I WANT MY HAPPY GIRL BACK: Jacqs' Mental Health Journey
Dear Viewers,
I want to share my personal journey with mental health and the ups and downs of my experience with depression, medication, and therapy. First of all, I just want to say that I am not here to tell you how to manage your mental health. I am not here to push medication or treatment on my viewers, I think each person should make their own choices. I want to share my journey for anyone else who may feel lost. If someone I knew talked more openly about it, maybe I would have gotten better a lot sooner. By sharing my journey I hope to help other people who may be experiencing a similar thing and to spread awareness about how common mental health struggles are. That’s why I wanted to write this blog post. The stigma and social shame that comes with mental health has got to go. So many people fight internal battles and they can be solved and risen above to make you a better and stronger person. I hope by sharing my experience it can help others feel less alone. There are multiple resources to help with depression, my experience is not extensive. If you or a loved one are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I have linked several resources at the bottom of this page. Stay safe, you are loved. This is my journey and how I went from being severely depressed and suicidal to feeling like myself again.
Mental Health. This is a topic that took me years to openly talk about. For so long, I was ashamed of people knowing I had a deep darkness inside of me. It festered and grew the longer I tried to ignore it. I pretended it wasn’t there. It ate at me. It invaded my thoughts, my decisions, and affected my relationships. My family was constantly reaching to pull it out of me, but I would shut down or act out. I had trouble letting my loved ones in. When I did talk about it, I would make it a joke or sugar coat it an insane amount. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it.
Maybe because talking about it made it feel real.
Maybe I felt like I could figure it out all on my own.
Maybe I was afraid of the social stigma around mental health.
Maybe I was just lost and had no fucking idea what was going on.
Probably a combination of all of them and many more insecurities tossed in there. If I could go back to years ago I would just tell myself to get help, be honest, people will still love you, and you will love yourself if you just open up and let your idealization of a perfect image disappear.
I held on to something because I liked the perception of what my life looked like...what I thought it was supposed to look like.
So how did it start? I don’t think there was one defining moment that brought me to the dark place of depression, but a collection of unresolved emotions that I carried over a period of time. Looking back now, I wish I had known this was my brain acting against me. It was not just a collision of events that created the self hate inside me. The few events that stand out to me fueled that self hate to a point where I didn’t think I would return. My depression started in college but it happened so gradually that I didn’t realize what was happening. Or more honestly, I had trouble accepting what was happening to me. I was acting out from a controlling relationship that made me do things I wasn’t proud of. I spent years holding onto guilt and remorse about the pain I brought other people, the lies I told, the false perception I gave of myself to everyone. At the time I didn’t realize how toxic my relationship was. I held on to something because I liked the perception of what my life looked like...what I thought it was supposed to look like.
Was I making my own decisions?
Was I letting society dictate my path?
Was I on autopilot?
Did I even know what I wanted?
I felt like I was expected to be with that person. I was scared of being on my own. I was worried about what people would think of me. I lost sight of who I was.
I thought “ If other people thought my life was perfect - then it must actually be.”
When that relationship ended I felt like I had to find myself all over again. I had lied to all of my friends and family about ‘my perfect relationship’ because I loved people thinking that I had it together, when in reality everything was just fucked up. I was having trouble being honest with myself. I was having trouble reaching out. It started this downward spiral of pretending my problems weren’t real. I thought “ If other people thought my life was perfect - then it must actually be.” Which was just so fucking stupid and counterproductive because the only person whose opinion that matters about yourself should be your own.
I began carrying my unresolved traumas and my triggers with me. My Senior year of college was a trial of my resilience. Right before school started, something happened to me that made me feel extremely sexually violated. The next day I mentioned it to a friend and they acted like everything was normal, so after that I just decided I must be over reacting. It felt like it was my fault, like his actions were acceptable, but my reaction was wrong? Looking back now I know that it was definitely not okay .
I didn’t mention it to anyone for years. I kept thinking to myself, “there are people with bigger problems” and I didn’t think mine were worthy enough to talk about. I was so frustrated for constantly being consumed in my own thoughts and heartbreak while other people had “real issues” going on.
It wasn't until I started therapy that I realized I had been carrying that trauma with me. After finally accepting what happened it was reassuring, but it made me realize I had a lot more work to do to heal. I had to learn how to express myself. I had to learn what I wanted in life and how to forgive myself to move forward.
I became an expert at surface level conversations. I would divulge tiny bits and pieces of my experiences with the cover of laughter and a smiling facade. Most of it I just kept inside. I made jokes. I became a people pleaser. I had convinced myself that people didn’t want to hear or care about what I was truly feeling. I was so unstable with my opinions, and adapted to whatever I thought people wanted to see. It brought me to a weird place and I created close relationships with people who really weren’t good for me. Not that they are necessarily bad people (okay honestly some of them suck ass), but my people pleasing mentality at the time was taken advantage of on multiple occasions. I also did things that were fucked up out of selfishness, unintentionally causing other people pain. The dark thoughts and dire need for acceptance increased my anxiety and my internal suffering. I would put all my effort into making sure people liked me - because ultimately I hated myself. I found momentary peace with the thought of others accepting my humor or looking up to me. My mind was filled with ruminating thoughts about people’s perception of me.
I became obsessed with my physical appearance, comparing myself to everyone. I felt like my worth was based on how I looked, what clothes I was wearing, what my hair was doing.
I was striving for perfection and faking an external image. I was angry inside which caused me to be judgemental and close minded. Not resolving any of those emotions and issues eventually just ate away at me. I became obsessed with my physical appearance, comparing myself to everyone. I felt like my worth was based on how I looked, what clothes I was wearing, what my hair was doing. I thought I was supposed to be the “pretty nice girl” and to be honest, I lived to achieve that title. I had this vision of what I ignorantly thought a “perfect” life would be and it put me in this box. If anything stepped outside that box it was the end of the world. But perfect isn’t human. I just became the person that everybody wanted me to be...or who I thought everyone wanted me to be. I was so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time. It’s exhausting. It wasn’t even genuine at that point so why did it matter.
Towards the end of my senior year, my depression was really bad and I was barely letting a few people in past surface level. I was partying, smoking, and drinking as a distraction. My second semester senior year I wrote a suicide letter. I hate calling it a “suicide” letter because I think I knew deep down I was never going to actually kill myself. I never got close to taking any action towards it. I didn’t want to hurt my parents and family like that and thinking about them is truly the only thing that kept me from really getting to that point. But for a long time I thought about it. Oh man, I thought about it all the time. What it would be like. If people would care. If it would really end my sadness. What people would think about me after I was gone. But I knew my family loved me and I had friends and people who cared about me. That's truly what was my saving grace any time I got close to considering something like that. I would think about it almost every minute of every day though. I would be driving and just want to drive off the side of the road. Hoping it would look like an accident because I could never actually kill myself knowing it would break my parents and hurt so many people. I would hear of people who took their own lives and I would get jealous. This depression would come in waves and I continuously convinced myself that I was improving or getting better. It lasted for a long time. After graduation it kept going, and I kept trying to power through life with a smile on my face.
It all happened so gradually that when I slowly started to admit what I realized was happening, I was so far gone. I would cry myself to sleep every night, I would fake sick to stay in bed all day, I would party to cover up how I really felt. I would have random breakdowns - that I could not explain. One minute I would be laughing, the next crying and hiding. I could not tell you why I was crying. I couldn’t hold in my emotions and it made me even more frustrated. Tears just fell down my face. One day I would feel slightly better and it would give me hope/false confirmation that I could fix this on my own - by myself… but I really couldn’t. I was so fucking sad. All the fucking time. Anytime I had a moment of happiness it just reminded me how I was sad more often than not. I knew my thoughts were irrational, but it didn’t change anything, I was so confused. WHY couldn’t I fix what I knew was happening?! I tried to convince myself that I was strong enough on my own to get over this “slump.” (Surprise! I fucking couldn’t). It just delayed my recovery. Finally when I was in the real world post college, I reached a point (after lots of encouragement from my family) that I needed to talk to somebody. I always think back to this one conversation with my mom where she just cried to me saying, “I want my happy girl back.” That moment broke my heart. I just wanted to tell her, “Mom she's gone and never coming back.” But she had more faith in me than I did.
I gave therapy a try and was immediately diagnosed with depression. I hated going to my sessions, I fought it, and ended up quitting (twice). I gave up and thought okay this is shit. I can fix this on my own without professional help. Once again delaying my recovery for another few months until I hit another breaking point. It wasn't until my third attempt at therapy when I finally found a person who made me comfortable and who didn’t pressure me to immediately try medication. Therapy was so awkward at first, I would avoid talking. Then when I finally felt comfortable talking, everything spilled out. I would basically cry the entire hour. After every session I would call my boyfriend and say “Dr. Mother Fucking Farns--” as in she God Damn did it again! Each session she chipped away a little more at my walls and got me to open up.
Once I started therapy, I felt myself getting better at communicating what I was feeling. I was still having “sad days” but I was able to recognize them more easily. When I finally started talking about my emotions and saying things out loud, the anxiety and depression didn't feel like it had as much control over me anymore. But I still felt like I was stuck and hopeless. I would have a good day and then 3 bad days.
I went to therapy every week for 6 months - determined to fix this without medication and my angel therapist NEVER pressured me because I told her I didn’t want it. Until one day I woke up and realized, I wasn’t getting to where I needed to be. I was doing everything my therapist recommended; eating healthy, exercising, listening to myself and using my mental health tool box - yet I was still having sad, anxious, hopeless feelings. I had to accept that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain.
I was ready to try medication. I told my therapist and she was extremely kind, understanding and supportive. I can't thank her enough for letting me come to that decision on my own. She sent me to a psychiatrist who started me on Lexapro for anxiety and depression. I started with a small dose and worked with my psychiatrist to get me on the most effective regimen. At the beginning I did have some side effects. I grinded my teeth and was pretty lethargic, but after a few weeks I felt fine. I felt the weight slowly slide off my shoulders and I was able to untangle my thoughts more. The ruminating thoughts that haunted me day and night slowly started to make sense and clear out. This doesn’t mean I still don't have them from time to time, but I can understand them and talk them out. I continued therapy on a regular basis for another couple years until I felt comfortable with the encouragement of my therapist to be on my own. Her faith in me gave me faith in myself. Without therapy and getting on the correct medication, I don’t think I would be here today. Therapy taught me that it doesn’t matter what anyone else wants me to be. It’s who I want to be. I was finally able to forgive myself and move forward.
I have learned that depression doesn’t always look one way.
Looking back now I realized that I represented myself in a way like I was the happiest god damn person on the planet. I was social, super active on social media, and I went through publicly as if I was just peachy keen. I have learned that depression doesn’t always look one way. I felt like a burden to everyone and then I would just get mad at myself because how could I be so fucking unhappy? I was a rich white girl with zero student loan debt because my parents paid for my private college and I had their full support, plenty of friends, and opportunities galore. When there were people that couldn’t even put food on the table or have been through far more traumatic experiences than mine. Through therapy I learned that you can’t compare your problems. Those problems are big yes, but you and yours are important too. You deserve to be happy no matter your circumstance.
You CAN learn to love yourself and people will accept you for everything that you are, flaws and all.
I am really proud of who I am today, who I continue to work on and grow to be. I worked damn hard to get here. It was worth every second and every penny. Working on yourself is always worth it. I felt like I had lost all hope for a long time and genuinely did not believe I would get better. I had people willing to listen with open hearts and I chose not to give them the chance out of fear and disillusionment. That’s why I am writing this. I want to tell my story, so people can know that you CAN get better. You CAN learn to love yourself and people will accept you for everything that you are, flaws and all. And low key, the trauma did make me hella funny. I still feel a lot. I am so connected with my emotions and it's something I used to look at negatively, but I am honestly so proud of it now. I love how big my heart is. It comes with a lot of work to know how to handle it, but it also comes with a lot of love, a lot of positive emotions, and a lot of fully immersed happiness. I still struggle with negative thoughts every now and then, but I'm so much better at controlling them, opening up about them, and letting it go. The ruminating thoughts don’t control me anymore and I cannot explain how good that feels. I feel physically lighter. At an equal level again.
Nowadays with social media and S&T it's something I try to stay very aware of. I want to use our platform for good, not for personal validation. Social media can be heavy if you let it control you or if you try to fake a false perception of yourself. Obviously you want to showcase pictures and content that make you happy and feel good, but just remember that it's not the whole picture. Life doesn’t live on a screen and happiness comes from within, not from an app.
If you ever feel hopeless and like it would be better to not be on this earth rather than powering through, I understand. I never thought I was going to make it through my years of depression. I had genuinely lost hope and didn’t think that I was going to get better. I was ready to give up on this life, but I opened up... like REALLY opened up, sought help, and all my relationships strengthened because of it. It was extremely tough, but I got better and I am stronger and happier now than I ever have been. It’s hard, but you can get through it and grow to be in a happier place. I promise. Talk to someone, get help and you can get better. I hope reading this helps you at the very least feel less alone. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
This Damn Happy Girl - Jacqs
PS.
Thank you to my family and close friends who believed in me - especially my sisters, Michelle and Juliana. Even those who didn’t know the full story, you were there for me. I love you and you saved my life by just being in it. I feel insanely lucky to have incredible people in my life that I look up to and love me for being me.
S&T followers, thank you for your ongoing support. When I first opened up about my mental health I was terrified. Each time I shared something that fear and anxiety sunk in, but your messages instantly gave me confidence that I was doing the right thing in opening up publicly. I could never have imagined being so open about something I tried to hide for so long. You gave me strength and I hope I can return the favor in some small way by sharing my journey.
If you or a loved one are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I have linked several resources below. Please remember that you are worth it. This life is worth it and you can get better.
Take a self assessment: Check in with yourself:
https://findyourwords.org/deal-with-depression/depression-self-assessment-test/
Findyourwords.org
Defeating Stigma With Science:
https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/March-2020/Defeating-Stigma-with-Science
What you can do Now (During Quarantine - COVID 19)
https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/March-2020/How-to-Protect-Your-Mental-Health-during-the-Coron
